The League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse
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Series 1 Episode 5 ...

Love Comes To Royston Vasey - Broadcast (8 Feb 99)

CAST
REECE SHEARSMITH Bernice Woodall, Geoff Tipps, Stella Hull,
Benjamin Denton, Henry Portrait, Sam
Chignell

MARK GATISS Brian Morgan, Les McQueen, Val Denton,
Haig, Mick McNamara, Hilary Briss

STEVE PEMBERTON Mike Harris, Charlie Hull, Harvey Denton,
Ally Welles, Ernest Foot, Maurice Evans

WITH
JUDITH VAUSE
ROSS McCORMACK
PAUL HAYES-MARSHALL
MIKE FLANAGAN
CURTIS WATT
MEGAN AND ROSIE DE WOLFE

DIRECTOR
STEVE BENDELACK

WRITTEN BY
REECE SHEARSMITH
MARK GATISS
STEVE PEMBERTON
JEREMY DYSON

SCENE 1. EXT. CHURCH. DAY.

WE SEE GRANDMA BRADLEY FROM EPISODE TWO IS STILL ON THE CHURCH ROOF, ALTHOUGH SHE NOW APPEARS TO BE DEAD.

SCENE 2. INT. CHURCH. DAY.

BERNICE IS OBSERVING MIKE HARRIS AND HIW WIFE CHERYL SIGNING THE WEDDING REGISTER.

BERNICE:
And if you’d just like to pop your signature there, pet.

BERNICE GIVES CHERYL A TATTY LOOKING BIRO. SHE SIGNS THE REGISTER.

I have to say I think you’re both mad…Imagine. Endless nights in with nothing to say. Awkward fumblings between the sheets as your passion fades…the grinding tedium of enforced companionship.

SHE ADDRESSES MIKE, WHO IS READY TO SIGN AS WELL.

And yours just there, thank you.

OPENING CREDITS – BARBARA’S TAXI DRIVES DOWN THE MAIN ROAD WITH WEDDING RIBBONS ON IT. STELLA WALKS DOWN A STREET, AND SEES THE TAXI PASS.

STELLA:
Aww….

CHARLIE CATCHES UP WITH HER CARRYING A BAG OF CHIPS. HE BURPS.

Pig!

A WOMAN EXITS A BETTING SHOP WITH A PRAM. SHE CALLS OUT TO A MALE PASSER BY.

WOMAN:
Excuse me, can you give me a hand, please?

THE MAN TAKES ONE END OF THE PRAM AND HELPS HER LIFT IT OUT OF THE SHOP. HE GOES TO PUT THE PRAM DOWN.

Oh, it’s just a little bit further…

THEY WALK OFF DOWN THE STREET CARRYING THE PRAM. LES MCQUEEN WALKS UP TO A MAN WITH A SIGN ROUND HIS NECK THAT READS ‘THREE LIGHTERS FOR £1’.

LES:
Alright, son?

LIGHTER SALESMAN:
Alright.

LES PULLS THREE LIGHTERS FROM HIS POCKET AND HANDS THEM TO THE SELLER. HE IN TURN DIGS OUT A POUND COIN AND GIVES IT TO LES. AS LES WALKS OFF, WE SEE A SIGN ON THE WALL THAT READS ‘LOST SPINE’.

SCENE 3. EXT. CHURCH. DAY.

MIKE AND CHERYL EMERGE AS MAN AND WIFE. BELLS TOLL, AND PEOPLE THROW CONFETTI. BARBARA STANDS BESIDE HER TAXI, SPEAKING TO GEOFF, WHO IS OUT OF VIEW.

BARBARA:
They make a lovely couple, don’t they, Geoff?

GEOFF LEANS OUT FROM BEHIND THE CAR. HE IS TINKERING WITH SOMETHING.

GEOFF:
What? Oh, yeah. Why don’t you try to catch the bouquet, Barbara?

BARBARA:
I might not have to. Have a read of that.

SHE HANDS HIM THE LONELY HEARTS PAGES FROM A NEWSPAPER. GEOFF READS THE PIECE SHE INDICATES.

GEOFF:
“Stunning, busty brunette?” Is this you, Barbara?

BARBARA:
Yeah.

GEOFF:
“Seeks open minded male for cuddles and car maintenance”. Ooh, have you had any replies?

BARBARA:
No, it only came out today. Why? Are you interested?

GEOFF BACKS AWAY, TERRIFIED.

GEOFF:
Oh, I’ve got to get off, Barbara – I’m the best man!

GEOFF HURRIES OVER TO THE CONGREGATION.

BARBARA:
You should let me be the judge of that, Geoff!

GEOFF WALKS OVER TO KEN SWEENEY, THE PHOTOGRAPHER.

GEOFF:
You ready, Ken?

KEN:
Yeah.

WE SEE KEN HAS SET HIS EQUIPMENT UP FACING THE WRONG WAY.

GEOFF:
Right, well, we’re all here behind you.

KEN TURNS ROUND.

KEN:
Oh!
MIKE:
Bloody hell, where did you find him?

GEOFF:
I’ll tell you what, Mike – he’s very cheap. Say “cheese”, everybody!

THEY ALL DO SO. WE SEE SOME EXTREMELY DODGY SHOTS THAT KEN HAS TAKEN – MOSTLY OUT OF FOCUS SHOTS OF THE GUESTS, AND FINALLY, A WHEELIE BIN. MIKE AND CHERYL RUSH ACROSS TO BARBARA’S TAXI AND GET IN.

MIKE:
Coming with us?

GEOFF:
See you later, Cheryl. See you at the reception, Mike!

MIKE WAVES TO THE GUESTS AS HE GETS IN. THE GUESTS CROWD AROUND THE TAXI AND TAP THE BOOT IN A GESTURE OF GOODWILL. WE SEE GEOFF HAS ATTACHED A SIGN SAYING ‘JUST MARRIED’ TO THE BOOT, ALONG WITH TWO INFLATABLE SEX DOLLS ARRANGED IN THE ‘69’ POSITION. AS THE GUESTS WAVE THEM OFF, GEOFF LAUGHS AT HIS LEWD JOKE. NOBODY ELSE JOINS IN.

SCENE 5. EXT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.

HARVEY WEARS WHAT APPEARS TO BE FUNERAL ATTIRE – TOP HAT AND BLACK SUIT. WE SEE HE IS IN THE GARDEN, AND THIS IS THE FUNERAL OF THE TOADS, SONNY AND CHER. BEHIND HARVEY, BENJAMIN WALKS, UNSURE OF HOW TO FEEL. CHLOE AND RADCLIFFE LEAD THE PROCESSION, CARRYING MINIATURE COFFINS. VAL SITS NEXT TO A BURIAL SITE, PLAYING A CELLO. HARVEY LOOKS ACROSS AT BENJAMIN WITH HATE. BENJAMIN LOOKS BACK, GUILTILY.

SCENE 6. EXT. STREET. DAY.

LES MCQUEEN WALKS DOWN AN ALLEY AND INTO A PUB.

SCENE 7. INT. PUB. DAY.

GEOFF IS ENGAGED IN A CONVERSATION WITH A MEMBER OF THE BAND DUE TO PLAY AT THE WEDDING RECEPTION.

GEOFF:
Yeah, we’re having the do all Olde-World, so if you have any “hey nonny, nonny” stuff…

BAND LEADER:
Yeah, I’ll have a think.

GEOFF:
Yeah, well…do.

GEOFF WALKS OFF. WE SEE HE HAS JESTER STYLE YELLOW AND GREEN TIGHTS ON. LES WANDERS UP AND NOTICES THE MAN TUNING UP HIS GUITAR. THROUGHOUT, THE BAND MEMBER IGNORES HIM.

LES:
You’re the band for tonight?

BAND LEADER:
Yeah.

LES:
Should be a good do…is that a Strat?

BAND LEADER:
Yeah, mate.

LES:
Thought so! I used to play on one of them. Do you do requests? Do you know “Voodoo Lady?”

BAND LEADER:
You mean “Foxy Lady?” – Jimi Hendrix?

LES:
No, “Voodoo Lady” – Crème Brulee. Eurovision Heats finalist 1981. No? Not heard of us? We had quite a bit of radio play back then. Peter Levy at Air FM, it was his record of the week April 16th through 23rd. I bought my Strat off Mitch Murray, you know, used to write songs for Paper Lace. He says to me “Les, I want 300 sheets, but you can have it for 250”, ‘cos he knew me, like. Right good sense of humour. Done any telly?

BAND LEADER:
No mate, just weddings, birthdays, bar mitzvahs.

LES:
Oh yeah. Outfit I was with, Crème Brulee, did quite a bit of telly. Did “Magpie” – Kate Bush were on…week before us. Do you know what ruined everything? Punk rock! What was that about? Craftsmanship…ballads – all went out the window. Do you write your own stuff?

BAND LEADER:
It’s a covers band.

LES:
Oh yeah. When I was on tour with Peter Skellen, he said to me – “Les, you’d been around five year back, you’d have been away”. Timing was wrong is all. There’s a lot of luck in this business…

HE LAUGHS IRONICALLY.

Yeah…I did the right thing getting out when I did. Do you want to hear some of my stuff?

HE REACHES FOR HIS POCKET.

BAND LEADER:
Listen, mate – I’ve got to get on.

JUST THEN, ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE BAND ENTERS FROM BACKSTAGE.

BAND MEMBER:
Can I have a word, boss?

LES:
Yeah?

HE REALISES HE’S NOT BEING ADDRESSED.

BAND LEADER:
What is it, Maynard?
BAND MEMBER:
Ray’s not turned up.

BAND LEADER:
What, again? We’ll have to do without rhythm guitar tonight, alright?

WE CAN SEE LES’ MIND TICKING OVER AS HE SEES AN OPENING FOR HIS TALENTS.

LES:
Hey! It’s fate is that!

BAND MEMBER:
What is?

LES:
Well I play rhythm guitar.

BAND LEADER:
I don’t think so.

LES:
No, go on. You can’t do “Sympathy For The Devil” without rhythm guitar!

BAND LEADER:
Look, we can do it on the keyboards.

LES:
Yeah, but it’s not the same, is it? Give us a go on your Strat, I’ll teach you “Voodoo Lady”!

LES REACHES FOR THE MAN’S GUITAR. THE BAND MEMBER WRESTLES IT BACK FROM HIM.

BAND LEADER:
Look, it’s not going to happen! Alright?

LES:
Yeah…you’re right. Probably wouldn’t enjoy it, would I? Out on the road, getting drunk. Young man’s game! Nice to have a chat to someone who knows their stuff, though. It’s a shit business! I’m glad I’m out of it! All the best son…

HE WANDERS OFF.

SCENE 8. EXT. STREET. DAY.

WE SEE THE WOMAN WITH THE PRAM STILL CARRYING IT ALONG A PATH, STILL BEING HELPED BY THE MAN.

WOMAN:
Very kind of you.

SCENE 9. EXT. CINEMA. DAY.

HENRY AND ALLY RUSH FOR THE DOORS.

ALLY:
Hurry up, Henry, we’re going to be late!

HENRY:
Alright, we’ve got to get food yet!

SCENE 10. INT. CINEMA. DAY.

HENRY AND ALLY TAKE THEIR SEATS IN THE NEARLY EMPTY CINEMA. THEY CARRY POPCORN, DRINKS ETC. HENRY BUMPS INTO ALLY AS THEY DESCEND THE CINEMA AISLE.

ALLY:
What are you trying to do, bum me?

HENRY:
Sos…go in here.

ALLY:
Where do you want to sit?

HENRY:
Go behind this slap head.

THEY CLAMBER OVER THE SEATS AND SIT BEHIND A BALD MAN NAMED HAIG. THEY GIGGLE, AND HAIG LOOKS ANNOYED AT THIS INTERRUPTION.

HENRY:
How much do I owe you?

ALLY:
Well how much were the tickets?

HENRY:
I don’t know, how much was popcorn?

ALLY:
I don’t know, I can’t see my bloody change!

HAIG:
Shhh!

HENRY:
Has it started?

ALLY:
This can’t be it, it’s all French!

HAIG:
Could you be quiet, please?

HENRY:
Spoilsport!

ALLY:
Oh, sorry! It’s only bloody adverts!

HAIG:
No, it’s started. This is the film.

HENRY:
This is the film?

HAIG:
Yes…

ALLY LEANS OVER TO ASK HIM SOMETHING.

ALLY:
Is this “Candyman 2: Farewell To The Flesh?”

HAIG:
No.

ALLY SITS BACK DOWN, GIGGLING.

ALLY:
We’re in wrong bloody film!

HENRY:
Eh?

ALLY:
We’re in wrong bloody film!

HENRY:
Oh, bloody hell! What’s this then?

HAIG:
It’s “Blue”.

HENRY:
Blue?

ALLY:
A bluey?

HENRY:
Bloody hell, that were a bit of luck!

ALLY:
Hey, I told you it were French!

HENRY:
A bluey!

HAIG:
No, it’s the title of the film – Krzyztof Kleslowski’s “Trois Coleurs Bleu”.

ALLY:
Dracula’s what?

HENRY:
How many killings?

HAIG:
Trois Coleurs Bleu!

HENRY IMITATES HIM IN A POSH ACCENT.

ALLY:
What’s he say?

HENRY:
I don’t know. Come on, it’s weary!

ALLY:
No, no, no…give it a chance. It might be really, really, good!

HE LEANS TOWARDS HAIG AGAIN.

How many killings have we missed so far?

SCENE 11. INT. PUB. DAY.

IT IS THE WEDDING RECEPTION, AND GEOFF IS ON STAGE IN FULL MEDIEVAL FANCY DRESS (AS IS EVERYONE ELSE). HE ADDRESSES THE PARTY GOERS ON THE MICROPHONE.

GEOFF:
Is everybody having a good time? Yeah! Well, this will get you up on your feet – it’s “Dance Yourself Dizzy!”

ERNEST FOOT, DRESSED AS A KNIGHT, WALKS ACROSS THE ROOM. HE BUMPS INTO SIMON, A MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR.

ERNEST:
Ooh, I’m sorry, love. Didn’t see you sat there. Don’t get up.

ERNEST RECOGNISES WHO IT IS.

Oh, it’s Peter, isn’t it? No, no, no…Paul! Oh, I’m going daft in my old age – Christopher?

SIMON:
Simon…

ERNEST:
Simon, that’s it! Course, you’re our Linda’s…no, no, no, our Valerie’s…

SIMON:
Joan.

ERNEST:
That’s right, our Joan’s youngest…

SIMON:
Eldest…

ERNEST:
Eldest daughter.

SIMON:
Son.

ERNEST:
Son! Our Joan’s eldest son, Simon. Oh, of course…you’re the crip…

HE REALISES WHAT HE IS ABOUT TO SAY AND STOPS HIMSELF.

Er…the…you know.

SIMON CHANGES THE SUBJECT TACTFULLY.

SIMON:
So how have you been keeping?

ERNEST:
Oh, you know me, Simon. All right down one side! No, no…what I mean to say is…it’s been a long time, you know. The last time I saw you, you were only so high…

HE RAISES HIS HAND TO HIS CHEST AS IF TO SAY SIMON WAS ABOUT EIGHT THE LAST TIME HE SAW HIM. HE REALISES TOO LATE THAT SIMON, NOW WHEELCHAIR BOUND, IS STILL ONLY THIS HIGH.

I must…do you know where the gents is? No…no, you wouldn’t. But you might! I mean, I expect even you lot have got to…you know. Unless you’ve got one of them little Queen Mum…no, you wouldn’t.

SIMON:
It’s down there and on the left.

ERNEST:
On the left…right. On the left.

CHERYL WALKS PAST IN THE BACKGROUND.

Oh, there she goes look, the blushing bride! Are you courting, like…Simon? No, no, you wouldn’t would you? But you might! Not that you shouldn’t! In the modern world I expect there are ways for you to…I saw this documentary once, and it said there’s no reason, no reason in the world why…and there’s bound to be someone out there. Plenty, fish, sea and all that. You’ll find one that doesn’t mind doing it with a…that doesn’t mind doing without it, even! And then, if your babies turned out to be all…well they can tell these days. They’ve got computers!
Christ, Simon…you wouldn’t have to keep it!

SIMON:
Erm..excuse me, I think my wife’s calling me.

ERNEST:
Oh, aye…

SIMON MOVES OFF.

Huh! Was it something I said?

SCENE 12. INT. BARBARA’S TAXI OFFICE. DAY.

THE PHONE RINGS. BARBARA STUBS A CIGARETTE OUT AND ANSWERS IT.

BARBARA:
Hello, Bab’s Cabs?

WE SEE BENJAMIN AT THE DENTON’S HOUSE IS ON THE PHONE.

BENJAMIN:
Yes, I was wondering if you were available tonight?

BARBARA PRESUMES BENJAMIN IS CALLING ABOUT THE LONELY HEARTS AD.

BARBARA:
Right? Right…right…just a sec, just a sec. Can I ask who’s speaking, please?

BENJAMIN:
Yeah, my name is Benjamin Denton. I’m staying on the Swanmills Estate, but I’d like you to pick me up somewhere else?


BARBARA:
I understand.

BENJAMIN:
I want to go quite far…

BARBARA:
Ben – I understand. Where can we meet?

BENJAMIN:
Er…outside the butcher’s shop? About six o’ clock?

BARBARA:
Six o’ clock…it’s a date!

BENJAMIN:
I’ll see you later, then. Bye.

BARBARA PUTS THE PHONE DOWN AND DRAWS A HEART ON THE LONELY HEARTS PAGE WITH LIPSTICK.

BARBARA:
Bugger me, it worked!

SCENE 13. EXT. MOORS. DAY.

THE WOMAN AND HER MALE HELPER ARE STILL CARRYING THE PRAM.

WOMAN:
Nearly there!

SCENE 14. EXT. CAVERN. DAY.

MAN (V.O):
This was known as the Zechstein Sea, covering most of what is now the north of England.

WE SEE THE VOICE BELONGS TO MIKE McNAMARA, A CAVERN TOUR GUIDE. THERE IS A SIGN ABOVE HIS HEAD THAT READS ‘OLDER THAN THE DINOSAURS – STUMP HOLE CAVERNS – ROYSTON VASEY’S FINEST SHOWCASE’. MICK IS WEARING A HARD HAT AND HAS RIDICULOUSLY TIGHT SHORTS ON. THERE IS A CROWD OF PEOPLE ON HIS TOUR.

Right, we’re all gathered…just come this way. The entrance to this particular cave is quite low down, so…mind you don’t bump your heads.

HE AND THE REST OF THE TOUR ENTER THE CAVE.

SCENE 15. INT. CAVE. DAY.

MICK:
Not a lot of people know that Stump Hole Cavern takes it’s name from the crippled prostitute who plied her trade here in the 17th century. If you look carefully up there, you can still see her tariff etched into the limestone in soot. Right, if you’ll just stay close behind me, mind the shale on this floor – quite slippery.

THE TOUR MOVES ON.


We are of course part of a much wider network of caves that riddle the entire county, including the much larger Redscar Cavern located half a mile to the west. A trifle flashy for my taste I have to say, with their gift shop, granary style cafeteria, and one hundred percent safety record all over their promotional literature. But there you go. Now if we stay in single file we’ll make our way into the main cavern. I do think it’s worth noting that Redscar were served with a council notice, ordering them to replace 115 yards of faulty wiring. Put it this way – I wouldn’t like to get caught down there in a thunderstorm, and no amount of trilobites in Perspex or stegosaurus shaped pencil tops is going to change that.

ONCE MORE, THE TOUR MOVES OFF DOWN SOME STEPS.

This particular cavern might be familiar from it’s countless appearances on the small screen. In 1974 you couldn’t move down here for Cyber Men. In fact, in an amusing incident, Tom Baker sprained his ankle on that rock there…

HE POINTS TO A ROCK.

Just goes to show how easily these accidents happen. Yes, we’ve had all the celebrities down here – including the late Don Henderson of Bullman fame. The Chuckle Brothers – you might have seen the autograph in the ticket booth. And Michael Buerk and the “999” team. It’s around about this stage I like to raise the subject of darkness. There’s nothing quite like the darkness down here in the caves, and to illustrate this we do like to turn out all the lights for a few moments.

HE TURNS ALL THE LIGHTS OFF, EXCEPT FOR HIS HARD HAT LIGHT.

I myself am not fond of the darkness – I sleep with the lights on now. It’s in the darkness I see the boy’s face. Eyes protruding, tongue out…black.

HE SWITCHES THE LIGHTS BACK ON.

If you look over here, you’ll see some of the limestone formations for which Stump Hole is more famous…used to be more famous. And over the years, the lads have given them comical names, depending on what they’re meant to look like.

HE POINTS HIS TORCH AT VARIOUS ROCK FORMATIONS.

Here we have Santa Claus, his beard and sack. The Wombles – note how the sediment forms the brim of Orinoco’s hat. The specimen jar…the toffee apple…and Errol Flynn. This one over here…people say, “Mick, that doesn’t look like anything at all”. But I don’t know…when I look at it I seem to see a little pair of hands clutching at a slippery rope, sliding down, down into the dark water. Sometimes I’ll stand here for hours…just looking at it. That concludes the main part of the tour, if you’ll follow me. Michael Buerk did say to me: “Mick, you can’t go on blaming yourself, it wasn’t your fault” but I don’t know. Young kiddie like that, whole life ahead of him. School trip tragedy – local man blamed. Every day the same…parade of blank faces…the constant drip, drip from the cavern roof. The cold indifference of the ancient rock. But you keep going, don’t you? It’s like the moss growing around that light-bulb there…life finds a way.

SNAPPING OUT OF HIS REVERIE, HE NOTICES SOMETHING ON THE ROOF.

Look at that skein of iron oxide…you wouldn’t find anything like that in Redscar. Remember the guide on your way out – thank you.

MICK AND THE TOURISTS EXIT.

SCENE 15. INT. CINEMA. DAY.

ALLY AND HENRY ARE GETTING RESTLESS. ALLY KICKS HIS SHOES OFF, AND LEANS HIS FEET ON THE SEAT NEXT TO HAIG, SAT IN FRONT OF THEM.

HENRY:
Oh, come on, Ally. It’s pig shite boring, this!

ALLY:
No, give it a chance! It might be really, really, good.

HENRY:
Name one foreign film that’s ever been really good, ever.

ALLY THINKS FOR A SECOND.

ALLY:
La Bamba?

HENRY AND ALLY START SINGING LA BAMBA.

HAIG:
Shh!

HENRY:
Sos!

ALLY DOES AN IMPRESSION OF A POSH PERSON. THEY WATCH THE FILM IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT.

Oh, what’s happening then?

ALLY:
You read it, don’t you?

HENRY:
Oh, no way! You don’t come to the pictures to read! You don’t watch films in libraries!

ALLY:
You can! They’ve got videos.

HENRY:
What ones?

ALLY:
Weary ones.

THEY WATCH THE FILM IN SILENCE FOR A SECOND. HENRY THROWS SOME POPCORN AT HAIG’S HEAD. ALLY GIGGLES AND JOINS IN. HAIG PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HAND. THEN, HENRY NOTICES SOMETHING ON THE SCREEN.

HENRY:
Hey, who’s she?

ALLY:
Who?

HENRY:
Her! I recognise her!

ALLY:
Did she go to our school?

HENRY:
No, she were in a film.

ALLY:
Oh, she were in that “Trois Coleurs Bleu”, it was on “Barry Norman”.

HENRY:
This is it!

ALLY:
This is “Trois Coleurs Bleu”?

HENRY:
Yeah!

ALLY:
It’s meant to be good, this! Apparently there’s this one bit…

HAIG TURNS AROUND, ANGRY.

HAIG:
Will you be quiet! I can’t hear a bloody word!

HENRY:
You don’t have to, you read it.

ALLY:
It’s not a bluey! It’s been on “Barry Norman”.

HENRY:
You’re in the wrong bloody film!

HAIG:
If you don’t like it, why don’t you just leave?

HENRY:
What?

HAIG:
I said if you don’t like it, why don’t you just leave?

ALLY:
Shhh!

HAIG HAS HAD ENOUGH. HE GETS UP AND LEAVES.

ALLY:
Neither do I, it’s a bit far fetched.

SCENE 16. EXT. STREET. DUSK.

BENJAMIN WAITS OUTSIDE THE BUTCHERS’ SHOP FOR BARBARA’S TAXI. IT PULLS UP.

BARBARA:
Hi.

BENJAMIN:
Barbara, thank God you’re here.

BENJAMIN GETS IN. WE SEE MAURICE EVANS IS LOITERING OUTSIDE THE BUTCHER’S SHOP.

BENJAMIN:
I’ve been desperate to do this ever since I arrived.

THE TAXI DRIVES OFF.

BARBARA:
Oh…

BENJAMIN:
It’s been really hard since I last saw you.

BARBARA:
Has it really? Well, we’ll have to do something about that then, won’t we?

MAURICE TAPS ON THE BUTCHER’S WINDOW AND LOOKS TO THE WINDOWS ABOVE THE SHOP TO SEE IF ANYONE IS IN.

SCENE 17. INT. PUB. NIGHT.

THE WEDDING RECEPTION IS IN FULL SWING, AND GUESTS ARE SEATED AT TABLES, EATING. GEOFF IS MAKING A SPEECH AT THE HEAD TABLE.

GEOFF:
…And that comes with best wishes from all the lads at Rotherham Plastics. Next I’m sure we’d all like to show our appreciation to our master butcher, Mr Hilary Briss!

THERE IS A ROUND OF APPLAUSE. HILARY WAVES HIS THANKS.

I don’t know what he puts in his sausages but I don’t think I’ve tasted finer!

SAM CHIGNELL SHOOTS HILARY A WORRIED GLANCE.

SAM:
Oh, Hilary – you didn’t?

HILARY NODS AND SMILES.

GEOFF:
As Mike’s best man, I’ve got to say a few words about his achievements. So I won’t be long!

THERE IS POLITE LAUGHTER.

MIKE:
Watch it, pal!


GEOFF:
No, no! His lovely bride, Cheryl, has asked me to keep it quick. Which is obviously what she’s used to!

BRIAN:
That right, Cheryl?

MIKE:
Sauce, eh? Sauce!

GEOFF:
Alright…Mike is my best friend in the world.

BRIAN:
Hear, hear.

GEOFF:
I’ve known him years, since school in fact. And on and off ever since. Remember Mike, we used to sit together in Maths? We were a right double act!

MIKE:
The terrible twosome!

GEOFF:
They tried to split us up, but we always sneaked back together again. In the end to stop us laughing and joking, they had to move me into a lower stream with all the remedials!

PEOPLE CAN TELL GEOFF’S SPEECH IS BEGINNING TO TAKE A MALICIOUS TONE.

Even in Art the teacher preferred his drawing of a trainer to mine. “Such detail” she said! I wouldn’t have minded but it was my pencil he drew it with.

BRIAN LAUGHS. GEOFF LOOKS AT HIM, SHUTTING HIM UP.

Those were the days, eh, Mike? Happiest days of our lives. Anyway, we left St. Marks at about the same time, and started in the same company. Same office for a while, up to our old tricks…

MIKE:
Tell them about…

GEOFF:
Until Mike was quickly head-hunted! Yeah – and I’ve watched him, from that same little office, rise and rise through the ranks to the position he holds today, my boss! Who’d have thought that stuck up little boy would be ticking ME off for not sending those faxes that night?

THE RECEPTION GUESTS ARE NOW SILENT, UNSURE OF HOW TO REACT TO GEOFF’S OUTBURST.

I can’t believe it! You know, you work your fingers to the bone, and…anyway, I’m getting off the point. It’s about this time, we’re sharing the same little office, that Mike is screwing my wife to be, Katy.

THERE ARE GASPS FROM THE GUESTS. CHERYL GOES TO SAY SOMETHING TO GEOFF.

You’re alright, Cheryl! You’re not part of this story yet! Who wants to see things finally going in my favour for a change, ladies and gentlemen? Because in ’87, both our mums got really ill at roughly the same time. Mine, thank God, she got better, but yours’ died, didn’t she, Mike? Didn’t she?

MIKE NODS, UPSET AT THIS RECOLLECTION.

Yeah! Your mum died…and mine didn’t. I won that! At least I won the mums!

MIKE, CHERYL AND EVERYONE ELSE NOW LOOK COMPLETELY MISERABLE.

Oh it’s a sorry affair, this! Reminds me of my wedding day! And if she were here now, my Katy would agree with me. Ha, but she’s not here now. Because she left me.

GEOFF LOOKS DOWN AT BRIAN.

Didn’t she, Brian? Well you know I’ve got this gun, don’t you?

GEOFF PULLS OUT A GUN AND POINTS IT AT ANYONE AND EVERYONE. HE FINALLY AIMS IT AT BRIAN.

Sometimes it would be so easy just to finish it! Right, Brian?

MIKE STANDS UP AND TRIES TO CALM GEOFF DOWN.

MIKE:
Come on, now, Geoff. Fair do’s, eh? Let’s sit down, now…

HE PULLS THE GUN AWAY FROM GEOFF. BRIAN RELAXES, SHOCKED AT WHAT HAS JUST HAPPENED. GEOFF EMBRACES MIKE.

GEOFF:
I hate you, Mike! I hate your success and your suits and your beautiful wife!

HE BREAKS AWAY FROM MIKE.

Katy…is she happy, Brian?

BRIAN THINKS FOR A MOMENT.

BRIAN:
Yeah.

GEOFF LOOKS ABSOLUTELY HEARTBROKEN FOR A SECOND, BEFORE HE PICKS UP A CHAMPAGNE GLASS. HE PROPOSES A TOAST, AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.

GEOFF:
But it’s Mike and Cheryl’s day! Charge your glasses please, join me in a toast! To the happy couple!

THERE IS A MURMURED RESPONSE FROM THE GUESTS.

SCENE 18. EXT. DARK PATH. NIGHT.

BARBARA’S TAXI PULLS UP, AND SHE TURNS THE ENGINE OFF. THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION TAKES PLACE IN THE CAR, ALTHOUGH WE NEVER SEE CLOSELY WHAT IS HAPPENING.

BENJAMIN:
What are you doing?

BARBARA:
I’ve never done this before.

BENJAMIN:
Done what?

BARBARA:
Let’s have some music, shall we?

SHE TURNS THE RADIO ON.

Oh, shift up.

BARBARA HAULS HERSELF INTO THE BACK SEAT OF THE TAXI.

BENJAMIN:
What are you doing? Urrrgh! What’s that?

BARBARA:
Don’t worry, love. That’s just the handbrake!

BENJAMIN:
Oh. Barbara…no!

WE GET THE IMPRESSION BARBARA IS FORCING HERSELF UPON BENJAMIN.

BARBARA:
You see, when you buy a car, you don’t just go for the first one in the lot, do you? No, you want to see under the hood…fiddle with the points…check if she slips easily into reverse.

BENJAMIN:
I don’t know what you’re talking about!

BARBARA:
I’m not wearing any knickers, Ben! Give me your hands…

BENJAMIN:
Please, Barbara!

BARBARA:
Come on…You tell me that’s not as good as the real thing, eh?

BENJAMIN:
Barbara, let go of my head! What if somebody sees?

BARBARA:
No-one will see! Come on!

SHE TRIES TO KISS BEN.

BENJAMIN:
No, Barbara I’ve got a girlfriend!

BARBARA:
Eh?

BENJAMIN:
I’m sorry…I’m already spoken for!

BARBARA:
But…I thought when you said you wanted to go with me, you meant…


BENJAMIN:
I meant to the station! I want to leave! There’s been a misunderstanding, Barbara. I’m sorry!

BARBARA:
I feel such a fool.

BENJAMIN:
Look, you’re a lovely…if I wasn’t seeing someone else…

BARBARA:
Don’t, Ben. I think you’d better go now.

BENJAMIN GETS OUT THE TAXI.

BENJAMIN:
But you can’t just leave me here!

BARBARA:
You know I’m having the operation, don’t you?

BENJAMIN:
What am I meant to do?

BARBARA:
It was worth a try though, wasn’t it?

BARBARA DRIVES THE TAXI AWAY.

BENJAMIN:
Barbara! Please! Shit!

SCENE 19. EXT. BUTCHER’S SHOP. NIGHT.

MAURICE EVANS IS STILL HANGING AROUND OUTSIDE THE SHOP, TRYING TO ATTRACT HILARY’S ATTENTION. HE CALLS TO THE UPSTAIRS WINDOWS.

MAURICE:
Hilary! Hilary?

HE BANGS ON THE DOOR. HILARY COMES TO THE DOOR IN HIS DRESSING GOWN.

HILARY:
Who is it? What’s going on?

MAURICE:
It’s me, Hilary. Maurice!

HILARY OPENS THE DOOR.

HILARY:
Maurice, what are you doing? It’s four in the morning!

MAURICE:
Let me in, it’s important!

HILARY:
Quiet! You’ll wake Mrs Briss!

MAURICE:
Have you got…something for me?
HILARY:
What do you mean?

MAURICE:
You know bloody well what I mean Hilary Briss!

HILARY REALISES THAT MAURICE HAS COME FOR MORE ‘SPECIAL STUFF’.

HILARY:
Oh…you’ve changed your tune!

MAURICE:
Can you give me a little bit more?

HILARY:
Ah, I’m a respectable family butcher, I keep regular hours Come back tomorrow.

HILARY SLAMS THE DOOR IN MAURICE’S FACE.

MAURICE:
Please…please, Hilary! I’m…hungry!

HILARY TURNS AND LOOKS AT MAURICE PLEADING TO HIM. HE SMILES, COMES BACK AND OPENS THE DOOR.

HILARY:
Alright, Maurice. Just this once, I’ll do you a favour.

MAURICE ENTERS THE SHOP.

MAURICE:
Thank you!

HILARY SMILES WICKEDLY AS HE SHUTS AND LOCKS THE DOOR.

SCENE 20. INT. STORE ROOM. NIGHT.

THE DOOR TO THE STORE ROOM OPENS AND MAURICE AND HILARY ENTER. AS HILARY OPENS A DEEP FREEZER, WE HEAR A MAN MOANING. MAURICE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES IT IS SAM CHIGNELL.

SAM:
Oh….more! I want more!

HILARY:
Perhaps you could do me a favour sometime.

MAURICE REACHES FOR SOMETHING IN THE FREEZER.

SCENE 21. EXT. MOORS. NIGHT.

BENJAMIN IS MAKING HIS WAY BACK TO THE DENTON’S HOUSE. HE PASSES THE WOMAN CARRYING THE PRAM, THIS TIME ON HER OWN.

WOMAN:
Excuse me, could you…?

BENJAMIN REALISES WHAT SHE WANTS HIM TO DO.


BENJAMIN:
Oh, of course.

HE HELPS HER LIFT THE PRAM ONTO THE PATH, AMAZED AT HOW HEAVY IT IS. HE PUTS THE PRAM DOWN AND GOES TO WALK OFF.

WOMAN:
Actually, it’s just a bit further, thanks.

BENJAMIN AND THE WOMAN PICK THE PRAM UP AGAIN AND WALK OFF. INSIDE THE PRAM, SUCKING A DUMMY, IS THE MAN WHO WAS HELPING THE WOMAN CARRY THE PRAM EARLIER.

END CREDITS.

 
 

 
 


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