Anarchy in Royston Vasey - Broadcast (11 Feb 00)

CAST
REECE SHEARSMITH Ross Gaines, Sam Chignell, Edward
Tattsyrup, Geoff Tipps, Chris Frost,
Benjamin Denton

MARK GATISS Mickey M. Michaels, Brian Morgan,
Les McQueen, Lotte Lipp, Val
Denton, Hilary Briss

STEVE PEMBERTON Pauline Campbell-Jones, Maurice
Evans, Tubbs Tattsyrup, Mike Harris, Herr Lipp, Harvey Denton,
Mechanic

WITH
JUDITH VAUSE
HELEN LAMBERT
JOHNNY LEEZE
TED ROBBINS
ALISON LLOYD
PAUL HAYES-MARSHALL
BLAKE RITSON
JOHN R. THOMPSON

DIRECTOR
STEVE BENDELACK

WRITTEN BY
REECE SHEARSMITH
MARK GATISS
STEVE PEMBERTON
JEREMY DYSON

,b>SCENE 1. EXT. RESTART COURSE ROOM. DAY.

WE SEE PAULINE LEANING OUT THE WINDOW, LOOKING BORED.

PAULINE:
I don’t understand it. Where is everybody?

SCENE 2. INT. RESTART COURSE ROOM. DAY.

MICKEY SITS ON A CHAIR, EQUALLY BORED. ROSS IS STILL SELLOTAPED TO HIS CHAIR.

MICKEY:
Dunno. Maybe some mystery virus has killed everybody off?

PAULINE:
Don’t be so stupid, Mickey, love! And will you stop eating my restart course, please?

WE SEE MICKEY HAS BEEN RIPPING PAPER OFF THE FLIPCHART AND EATING IT.

You’ve already had those housing benefit forms!

MICKEY:
I’m starving!

PAULINE:
So I see! You’ll be after my pens, next!

MICKEY TURNS ROUND, AND WE SEE HE HAS BLUE INK ALL ROUND HIS MOUTH. PAULINE ROLLS HER EYES.

(TO ROSS)

This is all YOUR fault. We’ve been here for days and nobody’s even noticed you’ve gone. Some hostage you turned out to be! Pathetic!

ROSS:
Pauline, please let me go. I won’t press charges…you could go to prison, you know?

PAULINE:
Oh…do I look like Deidre Rashid?

ROSS LOOKS HER UP AND DOWN.

ROSS:
Yes!

PAULINE:
I’ll let you go when I’ve got my job back and not before!

PAULINE WALKS BACK TO THE WINDOW.

MICKEY:
Fire engine!

PAULINE:
Shut up!

ROSS:
Mickey? Could you get me something to eat?
MICKEY:
I’ve only got my CV left.

PAULINE:
Ha, that’ll hardly feed the five thousand, will it! What’s it written on? A frigging raffle ticket?

ROSS:
Pauline, if I die of starvation you won’t have a hostage and you’ll never get your job back!

PAULINE:
Alright! Alright…I’ll go to the Nibble Box and get us some sandwiches.

MICKEY:
Tuna!

PAULINE:
You’ll get what you’re given. I’m going in disguise in case there’s any pigs about. Watch him like a hawk!

MICKEY PULLS HIS CHAIR RIGHT UP TO ROSS AND GLARES AT HIM, HIS EYES ABOUT TWO INCHES FROM ROSS’.

SCENE 3. EXT. JOB CENTRE. DAY.

PAULINE OPENS THE DOORS AND BREAKS THROUGH SOME SECURITY TAPE THAT HAS BEEN USED TO CORDON THE JOB CENTRE OFF. SHE WEARS HER TURQUISE JACKET AND A BALACLAVA, FROM WHICH SOME OF HER HAIR STICKS OUT AND MAKES HER LOOK SIMILAR TO AN OWL. SHE EDGES DOWN THE WALL OF THE JOB CENTRE, AND DOES EVERYTHING BUT CONCEAL HERSELF.

OPENING TITLES – HILARY BRISS WALKS DOWN THE MAIN ROAD. PARAMEDICS CARRY PEOPLE UP THE STREET IN STRETCHERS AND EVERY SINGLE DOOR, WINDOW AND SHOP IS CORDONED OFF. AMBULANCES DRIVE AROUND, FERRYING THE AFFLICTED TOWNSPEOPLE TO THE HOSPITAL. HILARY LOOKS ROUND IN AMAZEMENT. PAULINE EMERGES ONTO THE MAIN STREET, AND GASPS AS SHE SEES THE PANDEMONIUM.

PAULINE:
What the fu…?

MEN IN WHITE BOILER SUITS AND MASKS ENTER THE BURGER ME FAST FOOD RESTAURANT. A SIGN IN THE WINDOW READS ‘NEW – VEGETARIAN KEBABS’. IN THE SHOP, A MAN CARVES SLICES FROM A LARGE CARROT. A SIGN IN ANOTHER SHOP READS ‘EARN £110.64 A FORTNIGHT – SIGN ON THE DOLE’. PAULINE SEES THIS AND RIPS IT DOWN.

SCENE 4. EXT. WOODS. DAY.

BRIAN LIES, SLUMPED AGAINST A TREE. GEOFF FRANTICALLY DIGS A PIT. MIKE LIES, PRESUMABLY DEAD ON THE FLOOR.

GEOFF:
Well come on, Brian! Help me with this!

BRIAN:
We’ve got to get help…

GEOFF:
Oh, good idea (!) And how are you going to explain that?

HE POINTS AT MIKE’S HEAD WOUND FROM WHERE GEOFF BATTERED HIM.

It’s a bit more than a nosebleed, isn’t it?

BRIAN:
It was an accident! We thought he was the enemy!

GEOFF:
Grow up, Brian, or I’ll break your other leg. I am a murderer, and you are my accomplice!

BRIAN:
No, I’m not!

GEOFF:
You are! Alright, you didn’t run at him with a stick and smash his brains in, but…wait a minute – you’re not wearing a wire, are you?

GEOFF RUNS AT BRIAN AND BEGINS SEARCHING HIM FOR HIDDEN SURVEILLANCE.

BRIAN:
What? Aargh! Get off me!

BRIAN BEGINS TO SOB AS GEOFF STOPS.

Oh, Geoff. What are we going to do?

GEOFF:
We’re going to bury him.

BRIAN:
No…

GEOFF:
Yes! So it looks like a wolf did it!

HE STARTS DIGGING THE PIT AGAIN.

Then we say the last time we saw him was when he went off looking for help! Now get digging, Brian, or I’ll put you in there with him!

GEOFF DRAGS MIKE OVER TO THE SHALLOW PIT. BRIAN CRAWLS OVER.

That’s it, Brian. Team spirit. Mike would have liked that. God!

HE HAULS MIKE INTO THE PIT AND BEGINS COVERING HIM WITH EARTH. BRIAN SCRABBLES FRANTICALLY AT THE EARTH.

SCENE 5. INT. LES MCQUEEN’S GARAGE. DAY.

LES PLAYS A CRÈME BRULEE RECORD AS HE SPRAYS AN ORDINARY 7” VINYL RECORD GOLD. ON A FRAME LEANING AGAINST THE WALL WE SEE HE HAS MADE A SIGN THAT READS ‘GOLD DISC PRESENTED TO CRÈME BRULEE FOR THE SALES OF THEIR EP ‘THREE PIECE SWEET’. HE PICKS THE DISC UP TO INSPECT IT. IN THE CIRCLE OF NEWSPAPER THAT HASN’T BEEN COVERED BY GOLD PAINT, HE SEES AN ADVERTISEMENT THAT READS ‘LUNCH TIME ROCK N’ ROLL – CRÈME BRULEE TAKE US BACK TO THE 70s/80s – ADMISSION FREE!’. LES LOOKS UP AND SMILES, NOT QUITE BELIEVING IT.

SCENE 6. EXT. SUPERMARKET CAR PARK. DAY.

PEOPLE RUN TROLLEYS AROUND AND WALK TO THEIR CARS. WE SEE TUBBS AND EDWARD SAT IN THE AMBULANCE THAT HAS BEEN PARKED UP. TUBBS LOOKS AT ALL THE PEOPLE.

TUBBS:
Edward…what is this place? Who are all these strangers?

EDWARD:
Concentrate, Tubbs. We’re here to find a bride for David.

TUBBS:
That one!

SHE POINTS AT AN ELDERLY LADY.

EDWARD:
Too old.

TUBBS:
That one!

SHE POINTS AT A LONG HAIRED MAN WALKING PAST.

EDWARD:
That’s a tail!

TUBBS:
Is it? You can’t tell these days!

EDWARD SPIES A SUITABLE CANDIDATE, A WOMAN OF AROUND MID-THIRTIES, CARRYING SOME SHOPPING.

EDWARD:
Aha! Get down, Tubbs. Remember what I told you.

TUBBS HIDES BELOW THE DASHBOARD. EDWARD GETS OUT THE AMBULANCE AND PUTS A SLING ON HIS ARM. HE BENDS DOWN AND STRUGGLES TO PICK UP TWO BAGS OF HAY HE HAS BY THE PASSENGER DOOR. THE WOMAN SEES HIM STRUGGLING AND WALKS OVER TO HELP.

WOMAN:
Do you need a hand, love?

EDWARD:
Oh, thank you. Most kind…I was in a war.

THE WOMAN TAKES THE BAGS AND PUTS THEM IN THE BACK OF THE AMBULANCE. AS HER BACK IS TURNED, EDWARD REACHES OUT AS IF TO STRANGLE HER, AN EVIL LOOK ON HIS FACE. THE WOMAN TURNS AROUND, AND EDWARD DROPS HIS HANDS, SMILING.

So…I take it you are local?

WOMAN:
Oh, yeah.

IN THE FRONT OF THE AMBULANCE, TUBBS SPRINGS UP.

TUBBS:
Now!

SHE PUTS HER FOOT DOWN AND TE AMBULANCE SCREECHES AWAY, LEAVING EDWARD AND THE WOMAN STANDING THERE, CONFUSED. TUBBS STOPS WHEN SHE THINKS SHE IS A SAFE DISTANCE AWAY. SHE LEANS OUT THE WINDOW TO EDWARD.

Did the plan work, Edward?

EDWARD SHAKES HIS HEAD, SADLY. THE WOMAN OBVIOUSLY DOESN’T HAVE A CLUE WHAT IS GOING ON. EDWARD SMILES AT HER POLITELY.

SCENE 7. EXT. STREET. DAY.

A LONG LINE OF PEOPLE ARE QUEING UP AT THE SANDWICH STALL, SAM CHIGNELL AMONGST THEM. SOME PEOPLE IN THE QUEUE HAVE NOSEBLEEDS. PAULINE SIGHS AND CHECKS HER WATCH.

SCENE 8. INT. BUTCHER’S SHOP. DAY.

HILARY IS USHERING TWO OLD LADIES OUT HIS SHOP.

HILARY:
Sorry, ladies – I’m cleaned out. Until this quarantine’s lifted, you’ll have to make do with fish fingers. Bye-bye!

HE HURRIES THEM ALONG.

Come on…

MAURICE ENTERS THE SHOP.

Have you not heard, Maurice? I’ve nothing left!

MAURICE:
I’m not interested in pork chops, Hilary Briss! I want to talk to you! You know they’ve got these health inspectors sniffing around!

HILARY:
Pull yourself together, Maurice. Why should that bother me?

MAURICE:
I mean, could all this be to do with the…special stuff?

HILARY:
No, it couldn’t!

MAURICE:
But how do you know, Hilary? How do you know? Who can tell what this might be doing to us?

HILARY SLAPS MAURICE ROUND THE FACE.

HILARY:
You listen to me, Maurice Evans! You know as well as I do that I have a very select clientele. Now how many people have you seen with these nosebleeds?

MAURICE:
Dozens! Today at the post office – Mrs Sprague and her daughter…

HILARY:
Exactly! Women…children…you know who’s on my list! Whatever this thing is, there is no link to this counter, either above it or below it! Your health inspectors will find NOTHING!

SAM HURRIES INTO THE SHOP. HE SLAPS A SANDWICH IN A PAPER BAG DOWN ON THE COUNTER.

What’s this?

SAM:
Taste it.

HILARY TEARS OFF A PIECE OF THE SANDWICH AND TASTES IT. HE LOOKS TO SAM.

HILARY:
Where did you get this?

SAM POINTS OUT THE WINDOW TO WHERE EUNICE EVANS IS SERVING SANDWICHES FROM THE MOBILE STALL.

(TO MAURICE)

Your Eunice!

MAURICE LOOKS AT THE FLOOR, GUILTILY.

SCENE 9. INT. SUPERMARKET. DAY.

TUBBS PUSHES EDWARD AROUND IN A TROLLEY. SHE POINTS AT A WOMAN PASSING THEM, AND EDWARD HAS A LOOK.
CHRIS FROST, A SECURITY GUARD, IS TALKING TO SOME NEW RECRUITS, GIVING THEM A TOUR OF THE SHOP.

CHRIS:
Ask yourselves this…if I were going to steal it, where would I conceal it? I guarantee you’ll start to spot them a mile away. I was in bedding the other day, not glassware, not electricals – bedding. And I spot a heavily pregnant woman pushing a baby along in a pram. Alarm bells ringing – be very wary of prams! Prams have got compartments, got babies in them. There’s a great embarrassment factor in asking to rifle through a pram – you’ll disturb baby. But what if baby isn’t a baby? What if baby is a twelve piece Queen Anne breakfast set, retail price £24.99? Chalk it up! Mum politely escorted to the manager’s office, powers that be – notified. Has she got a lawyer? She better have had. The amusing epilogue is the woman in question later miscarried. Chalk it up…

HE SEES A MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR PASSING.

Same with our disabled friends. Be very wary of wheelchairs. You don’t like to ask Mr Smith if he’d mind shifting his weight to one side whilst you look at what he’s sitting on, because nine times out of ten it’ll be a checked blanket. You’ll be told – go forth and multiply – you do it often enough, and you will find a book, or a plate, or a game! Chalk them up! You’ll be asked many times, “what makes a good store detective”? Well, I would suggest a certain amount of that ingredient is arrogance.

HE SHOWS THE NEW RECRUITS A PHOTO OF HIMSELF ON HIS CLIPBOARD.

You will not have any friends, Mum and Dad will not be proud of you. You will be suspicious of everyone you meet. Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness? I will tell you – it is thus. Thus it has always been, and ever thus should it have ever been thus.

In the past fifteen years, I have saved Binns – or Hammonds, as it is now known, Superstore, the princely sum of £303.64. Chalk it up. In my private life, I have prevented acts of fraud nearly eight separate occasions. I say nearly because once I was given too much change leaving a charity shop, but I was already off the premises and legally, that money was mine! A very good friend of mine once said to me – she’s a store detective, a very good one – she said that being a store detective is like standing up at the wedding when they ask “is there any reason why they should not be married?”. No-one likes doing it. I didn’t like doing it – not to my own brother. But no-one likes a cheat. It’s like the sign says “shoplifters will be prosecuted”.

A NUMBER OF SPOONS, KNIVES AND FORKS FALL OUT OF CHRIS’ SLEEVE.

Shit!

HE WALKS OFF.

SCENE 10. RESTART COURSE ROOM. DAY.

PAULINE CRAWLS UNDER THE CHAIR BARRICADE, ARMED WITH A BAG OF SANDWICHES.

PAULINE:
Okey cokey pig in a pokey…My god! You will not believe what is going on out there!

SHE STANDS UP AND SEES THE ROOM IS EMPTY. ROSS HAS ESCAPED AND MICKEY IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. THERE IS A NOTE ON THE CHAIR. PAULINE WALKS OVER AND READS IT.

MICKEY (V.O):
Dear Pauline, I tried to do what you say, but Ross said he could get me the fire engine, so I let him go. Then he hit me and ran away.

PAULINE ROLLS HER EYES.

I realise now that it was a trick, but I was too ashamed to stay…sorry! Good luck with the rest of the seggy…

PAULINE:
He means “siege”…

MICKEY (V.O):
I hope you get your job back, love from Mickey.

PAULINE SITS DOWN.

PS – You can have my sandwich.

SHE TAKES A SANDWICH OUT OF THE BAG AND GOES TO BITE INTO IT. BEFORE SHE CAN, WE HEAR A VOICE BY THE STAIRS.

MAN (V.O):
Excuse me, miss?

WE SEE THAT INSPECTOR COX IS STANDING THERE AS WELL AS ROSS, WHO SHAKES HIS HEAD.

INSPECTOR COX:
Do you mind if I have a word?

PAULINE LOOKS SHOCKED.

SCENE 11. EXT. PUB. DAY.

A BUS PULLS UP. A MAN PAYS HIS FARE, GETS BACK OUT AND HELPS A NUMBER OF OTHER PASSENGERS PUSH THE BUS DOWN THE ROAD.

SCENE 12. INT. PUB. DAY.

ON THE STAGE, CRÈME BRULEE PLAY “VOODOO LADY”. LES SITS IN THE SMALL CROWD, LOOKING ON, AMAZED. THEY FINISH THE SONG, AND NOBODY APPLAUDS. TONY CLUEDO, THE LEAD SINGER, THANKS THE CROWD.

TONY:
Thank you! Thank you very much. We’ve been Crème Brulee, and you’ve been fantastic.

TONY WALKS OFF STAGE AND UP TO THE BAR WHILE THE OTHER BAND MEMBERS BEGIN TALKING AMONGST THE INSTRUMENTS. LES FOLLOWS TONY UP TO THE BAR. HE IS WEARING A CRÈME BRULEE T-SHIRT UNDER HIS JACKET. HE TAPS TONY ON THE SHOULDER AND PRESENTS HIMSELF, HOPING HE REMEMBERS WHO HE IS.

TONY:
Yes mate?

LES:
Tony?

TONY:
Yeah?

LES OPENS HIS JACKET TO EXPOSE THE T-SHIRT HE HAS ON.

LES:
Les!

TONY, THINKING HE WANTS HIS T-SHIRT SIGNED, REACHES FOR A PEN AND SCRIBBLES ON IT.

TONY:
Oh, right, yeah. Sorry! There you go, mate. To Les, all the best, Tony Cluedo. Cheers, pal!

LES:
No mate, Les! Rhythm guitar!

HE POINTS TO HIS PICTURE ON THE T-SHIRT. TONY REALISES AT THIS POINT WHO HE IS.

TONY:
Oh my god! Les McDougal!

LES:
McQueen.

TONY:
McQueen! Hey! We did try to get in touch with you, but you know…no one had your new number.

LES:
I’ve not moved!

TONY:
Yeah?
TONY REALISES HIS EXCUSE HASN’T WORKED. LES COMPLETELY FAILS TO REALISE THEY DON’T WANT HIM IN THE BAND ANYMORE.

Well…how have you been?

LES:
Oh, not so bad. I just saw the advert and thought I’d pop along. I’m leaving the country soon, actually. Got my eye on a little goldmine in Lanzarote - English sports bar.

TONY:
That’ll be a dear do?

LES:
I’ve got my redundancy through.

TONY:
Oh, aye? To tell you the truth mate, you’re best out of it. We did have a comeback planned, but the backing fell through.

LES:
Backing?

TONY:
They promised us fifty big ones.

LES:
Fifty quid? I can give you that now!

TONY:
No mate, 50k – fifty grand!

LES:
Oh, yeah…yeah.

TONY:
It’s a shame, mind. We were all fired up, you know? Bob and Patch are writing again.

LES:
No?

TONY:
Yeah…they’ve got this fantastic slow reggae number – “Jamaican Ginger Cake”.

LES:
Ooh! Hey…

TONY:
What?

LES:
My redundancy! What if I were to invest it in the band?

TONY:
Don’t be silly, Les.

LES:
I’m dead serious, Tony!

TONY:
It’s out of the question, pal.
LES:
But why? It’s what I’ve always wanted – the band back together! Friend of our kid’s – Asian lad – has got his own studio, There’s samplings, electric drum loops…he could do a dub version of all our singles on one 12” – like Jive Bunny!

TONY:
Oh, Les, Les, Les…

LES:
Or like Smokie with Roy Chubby Brown – “Who The Bleep Is Alice?”

TONY:
Woah, woah! It’s too much to ask, pal!

LES:
Please?

TONY:
Well…it could be good again, couldn’t it? Eh? The old line up back together?

LES:
First time since “Cheggers Plays Pop”.

TONY:
OK, OK…we could move on this. I’ve got a mate at The Chronicle. A couple of phone calls, we could have a press conference this afternoon!

LES:
Right, give us an hour and I’ll be back here with the cash!

TONY:
OK then! Hey, Crème Brulee is back! Just like the old times, fantastic!

TONY EXITS.

LES:
Yeah! It’s a great business, ain’t it?

SCENE 13. EXT. HOSPITAL. DAY.

A MAN WITH A HANDKERCHIEF TO HIS NOSE ENTERS THE HOSPITAL. OUTSIDE IS SLUMPED THE WOMAN WITH HER LEG CAUGHT IN THE MANTRAP. JUSTIN EXITS THE HOSPITAL. HERR LIPP IS WAITING FOR HIM AND POUNCES ON HIM. HE HOLDS A BUNCH OF FLOWERS.

HERR LIPP:
Ah! Justin! Everything is in ordnung?

JUSTIN:
Yes, thanks.

HERR LIPP:
Ja, how is your mutti?

JUSTIN:
She’s a bit better. She’ll appreciate the flowers.

HERR LIPP:
Oh no! These are for you!

HE GIVES THE FLOWERS TO JUSTIN.

JUSTIN:
Oh…

HERR LIPP:
Now, are you sure you don’t want me to cancel the party tonight?

JUSTIN:
No, it’s your last night, I don’t want to spoil it. But if you could organise everybody?

HERR LIPP:
Alles klar. You put yourself in my fist, Justin.

BARBARA’S TAXI PULLS UP.

Ah, our carriage awaits.

BARBARA (V.O):
Where to, gents?

JUSTIN:
Church Walk, please.

BARBARA:
Right.

JUSTIN AND HERR LIPP GET IN.

JUSTIN:
I wish they’d hurry up and find what’s causing it. The doctors seem clueless.

BARBARA (V.O):
Hmm, don’t talk to me about doctors…I ordered a vagina with a depth of eight inches!

THE TAXI DRIVES OFF.

SCENE 14. EXT. WOODS. DAY.

GEOFF HAS NOW NEARLY COMPLETELY BURIED MIKE. BRIAN IS MAKING A CRUCIFIX OUT OF TWIGS.

GEOFF:
What are you doing?

BRIAN:
I’m making him a cross.

GEOFF:
Oh, good idea (!) You might as well put a sign on the back saying ‘Body Buried Here’!

BRIAN:
Well they’ll find him anyway!

GEOFF:
Yeah! And when they do we say that wolves did it! It happened in Australia!

BRIAN:
Not to a fully grown man!

GEOFF:
Yes, but they proved in a court that woman was…

FROM THE GRAVE, MIKE SPLUTTERS AS HE REGAINS CONSCIOUSNESS.

BRIAN:
He’s alive! Oh Geoff, thank god! He’s alive! Quick, get him out!

GEOFF:
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Let’s just…think about this.

BRIAN:
But what’s there to think about?

GEOFF:
Well how’s it going to look? How are we going to explain this?

BRIAN:
But he’s alive!

BRIAN LUNGES FOR MIKE, GEOFF STOPS HIM.

GEOFF:
He won’t be in a minute! It’s just easier, Brian! We’ve already killed him once!

BRIAN:
No!

GEOFF:
Yes! It’s alright for you! You made him a cross! He’ll like that! I’m the one that hit him. What am I going to get? Sacked, that’s what! Well I’m not having it, Brian!

GEOFF TRIES TO COVER MIKE WITH MORE EARTH, BRIAN TRIES TO STOP HIM. THEN, MIKE SITS BOLT UPRIGHT IN THE PIT AND LOOKS AT THEM BOTH. GEOFF AND BRIAN FREEZE. MIKE LOOKS AT HIS PREDICAMENT.

GEOFF/BRIAN:
Wolves did it!

SCENE 15. EXT. JOB CENTRE. DAY.

PAULINE IS TAKEN AWAY IN A POLICE CAR. SHE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW, DEVASTATED, AS IT DRIVES OFF.

SCENE 16. INT. DENTON HOUSEHOLD. DAY.

BENJAMIN LIES IN BED, PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP. WE HEAR VAL AND HARVEY’S VOICES FROM BEHIND THE DOOR.

VAL (V.O):
Is it safe?

HARVEY (V.O):
I think so…I gave the boy a pill. He won’t awaken until our return from the toad club. Now come along, the girls are waiting in the car.

BENJAMIN’S EYES FLICK OPEN. HE STICKS OUT HIS TONGUE AND SPITS OUT THE TABLET THAT HAS BEEN PLACED THERE. THINKING HARVEY AND VAL HAVE GONE, HE THROWS BACK THE SHEETS AND GETS OUT OF BED. HE RUMMAGES THROUGH THE DRAWERS FOR A KEY TO THE DOOR.
INSTEAD HE FINDS A PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE CALLED ‘WOMEN WITH TOADS’ WHICH HAS HARVEY AND VAL FEATURED IN A SPREAD CALLED ‘BREEDERS WIVES’ FROM INSIDE THE MAGAZINE, A POSTCARD FALLS OUT. IT HAS BEEN WRITTEN BY HARVEY AND VAL.

BENJAMIN:
“Dear all, Uncle Harvey and Aunt Val are so wonderful, I’m going to stay for at least five years. Love, Benjamin”. Oh, God!

HE RUSHES TO THE DOOR. FINDING IT LOCKED, HE PUSHES THE MAGAZINE UNDERNEATH IT, THEN USES A COATHANGER TO PUSH THE KEY OUT THE LOCK. HE PULLS THE MAGAZINE BACK UNDER THE DOOR AND UNLOCKS IT. HE OPENS IT, BUT FINDS HARVEY AND VAL STANDING ON THE OTHER SIDE, LOOKING AT HIM, ALMOST AS IF THEY EXPECTED HIM TO ESCAPE. SMILING, HE CLOSES THE DOOR, THEN SLIDES THE KEY UNDERNEATH TO THEM. HARVEY AND VAL SMILE AT EACH OTHER.

SCENE 17. EXT. MOORS. DAY.

TUBBS DRIVES THE AMBULANCE ALONG A TRACK TOWARDS THE LOCAL SHOP.

TUBBS:
We’ve got a no-tail! We’ve got a no-tail! Can I see her now, Edward?

EDWARD:
All in good time, Tubbs. All in good time…

SCENE 18. INT. AUTO PLASTICS BI-ANNUAL CONVENTION. DAY.

MEN SIT AROUND A LARGE MEETING TABLE AS THEY DISCUSS MATTERS OF BUSINESS.

MAN:
We expanded by 17% in the first quarter alone…and that was before any advertising appeared in the press.

AS HE SPEAKS, WE SEE THE PLACE MATS FOR BRIAN, MIKE AND GEOFF REMAIN EMPTY.

People say “what is the future for plastics?” I say the future…

GEOFF, MIKE AND BRIAN CRASH THROUGH THE MEETING ROOM DOOR, COVERED IN MUD, WEEDS AND DIRT. EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT THEM.

GEOFF:
Have we missed the cakes?

SCENE 19. EXT. GARAGES. DAY.

LES STRIDES ALONG CARRYING A CARRIER BAG AND A GUITAR IN A CASE. HE WEARS A RIDICULOUS 1970’S STYLE SILVER JUMP SUIT WITH A HUGE COLLAR THAT STICKS UP BEHIND HIS HEAD. HE WALKS UP TO ONE GARAGE, CHECKS AN ADDRESS, THEN CARRIES ON. A MECHANIC IS WORKING ON A CAR NEARBY. LES COUGHS TO GET HIS ATTENTION. THE MECHANIC SCOFFS.

MECHANIC:
Can I help you pal?

LES:
Yeah, I’m here for the press conference.
MECHANIC:
Press conference?

LES:
Crème Brulee reunion. Griffin Hotel – 68a.

MECHANIC:
No, this is 68. There’s a 70…

HE POINTS DOWN THE ROAD.

No 68a.

LES:
Do you know Tony Cluedo?

MECHANIC:
Nope.

LES:
But I gave him all…we arranged…

BEGINNING TO REALISE HE HAS BEEN CONNED, LES TRIES NOT TO BELIEVE IT.

Is there somebody round the back?

MECHANIC:
Oh yeah.

LES:
Right!

MECHANIC:
A Fiesta with it’s engine fucked.

LES’ COLLAR ON HIS JUMPSUIT GOES LIMP AS HE FINALLY REALISES HE HAS BEEN DUPED OUT OF HIS £50,000 AND ANY CHANCE OF A BAND REUNION.

Are you OK, mate?

LES:
Yeah…I understand.

HE WALKS OF, DEFEATED.

SCENE 20. INT. LOCAL SHOP. NIGHT.

EDWARD IS FIDDLING WITH A CHAIR.

TUBBS (V.O):
Close your eyes, Edward! I’m coming in!

EDWARD:
Oh, Tubbs! We don’t have time for games! The no-tail will be awake soon.

EDWARD COVERS HIS EYES. TUBBS WALKS IN WEARING AN OLD WEDDING DRESS.

TUBBS:
Ta-da!

SHE HUMS THE WEDDING MARCH.

EDWARD:
Tubbs!

TUBBS:
I found it in the attic. I thought the no-tail could wear it for the wedding.

EDWARD:
Wedding?

TUBBS:
Yes! We’re going to have the night do down here, and the day do…

EDWARD:
Tubbs! Tubbs! Tubbs…the young of today hold no store in the sanctity of marriage! They live in sin, rutting like beasts between filthy sheets!

TUBBS:
Well not in this shop! David’s not to lay a claw on that no-tail until they are married. Oh please, Edward!

EDWARD:
Oh, very well, very well. But we must be careful! We don’t want her to suffocate like the last three…

SCENE 21. INT. JUSTIN’S HOUSE. NIGHT.

HERR LIPP IS MAKING FOOD IN THE KITCHEN, WHIL JUSTIN SITS IN THE LOUNGE. HE PLACES A LARGE GERMAN SAUSAGE ON A PLATE. JUSTIN IS ABOUT TO WALK INTO THE KITCHEN.

HERR LIPP:
Ah, Justin! You are just in time, Justin! Make yourself at house! Someone to drink?

JUSTIN:
Herr Lipp…?

HERR LIPP:
Hmm?

JUSTIN:
Where’s everybody else?

HERR LIPP:
Else?

JUSTIN:
You said we were having a party.

HERR LIPP:
We are having a party! Sit down!

HE GIVES JUSTIN A GLASS OF WINE. AS HE SPEAKS, HE COMBS HIS HAIR AND GENERALLY SPRUCES HIMSELF UP.

Some of the silly boys and girls have gone to Flick Flacks, which is the only disco is Royston Vasey…but I thought that with your mutti being in the hospice with the nosepeeps, that you would rather stay zu Hause.

HE POURS HIMSELF SOME WINE AND ENTERS THE LOUNGE.

Besides, you know tomorrow I must leave for Duisberg.

JUSTIN:
I know – it’s come round quick.

HERR LIPP TOUCHES HIS LEG.

HERR LIPP:
Ah, Justin, you are kind. But you must not squirt your face over me, for who knows, sometimes I might be coming back to England.

JUSTIN:
Have you ever been to London?

HERR LIPP:
Sure. In my youth.

JUSTIN:
Was it good?

HERR LIPP:
It was quite good, so…there are many similars and many differences.

HE ENTERS THE KITCHEN BUT CARRIES ON TALKING.

In London, you have fish and chips – in Duisberg, we have Duisberg cake.

HE COMES BACK IN WITH THE HALF EMPTY BOTTLE OF WINE.

In London, you have Soho. In Duisberg, we have the Duisberg café.

HE REFILLS JUSTIN’S GLASS.

And in London, you have the Queen, whereas in Duisberg…alles klar?

HE DOWNS HIS WINE AND PREPARES HIMSELF AS IF TO MAKE A MOVE ON JUSTIN. HE COLLAPSES ON THE SOFA, ONE LEG CROSSED OVER THE OTHER, HIS ARM DRAPED OVER THE BACK OF THE SOFA. HE EDGES NEARER TO JUSTIN.

Justin…there is something I wanted to say to you.

JUSTIN:
Oh?

HERR LIPP:
Ja…

HE LEANS IN TO KISS HIM.

WOMAN (V.O):
Was ist hier los?

HERR LIPP:
Lotte!

HE TURNS ROUND AND WE SEE A LARGE GERMAN WOMAN, WHO WE PRESUME IS HERR LIPP’S WIFE.

Was macht du hier in England?

LOTTE:
Sie wissen!

HERR LIPP:
Was meinst du?

LOTTE:
Was passiert hier?

HERR LIPP:
Nicht passiert. Ich spreche nur mit einem meiner Jungen!

LOTTE:
Deine Jungen?

HERR LIPP:
Ja, meine Jungen! Ich bin varantwortlich fur sie!

LOTTE:
Alles klar!

HERR LIPP:
Lotte…

LOTTE:
ALLES KLAR!

HERR LIPP:
Was meinst du “alles klar?”

LOTTE:
Derby, Ipswich, Reading, Wood Green…!

HERR LIPP:
Nein!

LOTTE GRABS JUSTIN BY THE SHOULDERS AND SPEAKS TO HIM.

LOTTE:
Jetzst musst du gehen. Geh jetzst, bevor es zu spat ist!

JUSTIN:
Er..ich heisse Justin…ich wohne in Royston Vasey…

HERR LIPP LOOKS AT LOTTE.

HERR LIPP:
Dis a kann kein Deutsche! Er ist MEINE jungen…

LOTTE:
Dann Gott helf ihm.

HERR LIPP:
Raus, Lotte, Raus!

HE USHERS LOTTE OUT THE FRONT DOOR.

LOTTE:
Ich komme zurlick!

HERR LIPP:
Raus!

LOTTE:
Mit dem Polizei!

HERR LIPP:
Raus!

HE SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT AND LEANS AGAINST IT.

I’m sorry about that, Justin. I think now we will have some coffee, ja? We’ve been naughty boys to drink so much wine!

JUSTIN:
Who was she?

HERR LIPP ENTERS THE KITCHEN. THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION, HE MAKES SOME COFFE BUT ADDS SOME GROUND UP TABLETS TO JUSTIN’S MUG.

HERR LIPP:
That was Lotte, my wife…

JUSTIN:
Your wife?

HERR LIPP:
She is the name of my wife, but not in fuck. It was a mistake – was soll ich sagen?

JUSTIN:
I can’t believe you’re married.

HERR LIPP:
There’s something else I must tell you of. You’ll be quite surprised, but…

JUSTIN ENTERS JUST AS HERR LIPP SCRAPES THE GROUND UP TABLETS INTO HIS DRINK.

I am a queen, Justin.

JUSTIN:
No?

HERR LIPP:
Sometimes I think I am the only queen in Duisberg. Oh, sure , in Bochum order Weisbaden you can get a boy for thirty marks or maybe nothing, but in Duisberg…

HE RUBS HIS FINGER AND THUMB TOGETHER TO INDICATE MONEY.

…that is why I married Lotte.

JUSTIN:
Well, I really ought to make a move.

HERR LIPP:
Oh, Justin, my Justin. My very own Justin…it has been a great pleasure for me to come to Royston Vasey. A real good treat, hmm! For too long now, I have been, um…Ah, wie sagt man auf Englisch…I have been…allein. Ganz allein.

THE KETTLE FINISHES BOILING.

JUSTIN:
I told Dieter I’d meet him. He knows where I am.

HERR LIPP:
Oh, sure. Go to Flick Flacks, have good fun, make love…but first I hope you will try some nice Duisberg Kaffee, I made her specially for you.

JUSTIN:
No, I really have to go.

HERR LIPP:
Just one sip.

JUSTIN:
Thanks, but I told Dieter I…

HERR LIPP:
Please!

JUSTIN:
No! I’m sorry. I’m going to leave now.

JUSTIN TURNS TO LEAVE.

HERR LIPP:
Justin!?

HE TURNS ROUND. HERR LIPP THROWS THE CUP OF DRUG LACED COFFEE IN HIS FACE. JUSTIN STAGGERS AROUND IN AGONY. HERR LIPP DRAGS HIM TO THE FLOOR, AND JUSTIN GRABS AT HIS HAIR, PULLING AWAY HIS WIG. LOTTE RUSHES IN.

LOTTE:
Oh, Wolf! Nicht ein ander?

HERR LIPP:
Halt die Klappe, Lotte. Please! Halt die Klappe! Now…fetch me a spade.

SCENE 22. EXT. LOCAL SHOP. NIGHT.

TUBBS, STILL IN THE WEDDING DRESS, AND EDWARD, ARE WALKING OVER TO THE AMBULANCE TO INSPECT THE BRIDE FOR DAVID.

TUBBS:
She is pretty, isn’t she, Edward?

EDWARD:
Yes.

TUBBS:
And she’s got a good figure?

EDWARD:
Yes, a good, full figure.

TUBBS:
Yes, and you’re sure she’s local?

EDWARD:
Yes, Tubbs. She’s a pretty local no-tail with a good figure and the voice of an angel. See for yourself.

EDWARD OPENS THE BACK DOOR OF THE AMBULANCE AND WE SEE THEY HAVE KIDNAPPED BARBARA, WHO LIES IN THE BACK, TIED UP, AND WITH A BAG OVER HER HEAD.

BARBARA:
Bloody hell! It stinks in here! What kind of petrol do you call this?

TUBBS AND EDWARD SMILE AT EACH OTHER.

SCENE 23. INT. BUTCHER’S STOREROOM. NIGHT.

SAM STANDS WATCHING AS HILARY INTERROGATES MAURICE OVER HOW EUNICE ACQUIRED HIS SPECIAL STUFF.

HILARY:
She’s done what?

MAURICE:
I’m so sorry, Hilary! I didn’t realise until it was too late! She had it stored in the freezer! She’s been cutting it with her own paste!

SAM:
You silly bastard! She’s got the whole town eating it!

HILARY:
A pure supply is one thing, but to CUT it…?

SAM:
What are we going to do, Hilary?

HILARY:
I’m thinking…!

SAM:
Half of Royston Vasey’s had it!

MAURICE:
We’re all at risk!

HILARY:
Not quite all of us…

SAM:
What do you mean?

HILARY:
It’s like I’ve always said, Samuel…I’m a business man. I’ve a shelf of black pudding out there, but I don’t care for it.

SAM:
You mean…you don’t eat the special stuff?

HILARY:
Somebody has to stay in control…

DROPS OF BLOOD TRICKLE FROM MAURICE’S NOSE. HE LOOKS UP AND WE SEE SAM HAS THE BEGINNINGS OF A NOSEBLEED AS WELL. SAM TOUCHES HIS NOSE, SHOCKED WHEN HIS FINGER COMES AWAY BLOODY. WE HEAR THE STOREROOM DOOR CLOSE, AND SAM AND MAURICE BEGIN TO SOB.

END CREDITS.